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When bassist Mike Mills of the group REM sang Yellow River, some people more accustomed to the band's harder sound were surprised. This hilarious account was posted by REM fan Matt Marrone — how wonderful it would be if only it were true.


The World Has Never Been The Same —
Yellow River has made our lives infinitely better

  An amazing beginning    

   In late 2001, very few people would have guessed that the next world revolution would be about music, not war. And even fewer would have foreseen that revolution erupting at the end of a professional football game. But that is where it all began; when, after his team’s victory in the Super Bowl*, MVP Tom Brady was asked the question, “What are you going to do next?”
   He had been paid $50,000 to say, “I’m going to Disneyland!” But to the shock and dismay of Disney officials, the star quarterback instead replied, “I’m going to Yellow River!"
   Television viewers across the nation were entirely baffled, but they soon came to understand: in the New England Patriots’ clubhouse, amidst the grand celebration, burly, powerful, 300lb champagne-soaked men were holding hands and singing along with the stereo: “Put my gun down, the war is won. Fill my glass high, the time has come. I’m going back to the place that I love – Yellow River!”
   And all at once, 20 million Americans heard Yellow River, an REM b-side, for the very first time.

  It spread like wildfire  

   Soon, it was being broadcast 24 hours a day throughout the US and Europe, and beamed out to foreign services stationed abroad, from the Middle East to the South Pacific. It soon caught fire in Australia, Asia, South and Central America, the former Soviet Union and Africa and also became the song of choice for scientists stationed in Antarctica and astronauts orbiting the earth from outer space.
   Hundreds of thousands of impoverished and illiterate people left their meagre farms and sought Peace Corps volunteers so they could learn English and truly connect with the song. Some even sold all their possessions, including their children, to afford a radio to listen to it being broadcast. It was obvious that the world was never going to be the same.
   The song spread like marmite on British toast, capturing the hearts of even the most hardened souls.
   Who could forget first seeing the video images of Israeli soldiers and members of the PLO hugging, crying and dancing while Arafat and Sharon sang a karaoke duet of Yellow River using hundreds of giant speakers placed throughout Jerusalem?
   Or the video statement released by Osama Bin Laden apologising for his role in the World Trade Center attack, saying Yellow River had made him reconsider his personal politics and admit that American citizens must have feelings too?
   Or when Saddam Hussein handed over all his nuclear and biological weapons to a UN task force, as Yellow River blazed over loudspeakers in Baghdad while Iraqi soldiers leapt through the streets in what is now known as the Yellow River in Baghdad Dance, orchestrated by Saddam himself, who had stayed up the whole previous night in his war room with his top advisors, listening to the song over and over, and choreographing it?
   Or the sight of several thousand deceased world political and spiritual leaders rising from their graves to join in on a chorus of the song before returning to the land of the dead?
   Or when Jesus Christ came back to earth for a second time, to make sure he also got a copy of the Yellow River remix?

The presidents meet over Yellow River

  A new age dawns    

   Last month, members of Congress voted to add the lyrics to Yellow River as an Amendment to the US Constitution. “What it will mean exactly for future laws is unclear,” said House of Representatives Speaker Dennis Hastert, “but the majority of us believe that it might make laws entirely obsolete.”
   At the last minute, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair rejected a joint resolution to have the Magna Carta removed from its air-tight encasement in Washington, DC and have the lyrics to Yellow River added to it by hand, but both have promised to spray paint the lyrics of the song on monuments across their respective nations.
   Last week in Mecca, thousands of Muslims making their once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage carried cassette recorders and played the song as they made their way into the city. Officials say that all mosques will now feature the song as a closing prayer, following the lead of Jewish synagogues in Jerusalem and around the world, which have replaced Encoluheinou with Yellow River.
   The Pope has yet to announce the reaction of the Roman Catholic church, but there are several changes expected to be made within the normally conservative religion, such as making the song a Psalm.
   The Tiber River in Rome was renamed the Yellow River, securing the name before the Nile, the Amazon, the Congo or The Danube could do so, but Italian officials have said that the other rivers are entitled to the name as well if they so desire it.
   Details are still sketchy, but several of the world’s top scientists and philosophers have met in Geneva to discuss plans for creating the Yellow River Institute which has already been promised funding from most of the nations of the world. The Institute is expected to have an answer to whether there is a God within 18 months, as well as to find a cure for all known diseases.
   “On the God thing,” said Stephen Hawking, “I must say we’re leaning yes. Although I have been forced to spend my life in a wheelchair and communicate using a special computer, this REM song is almost indisputable proof of the existence of a higher power.”

    The band

   REM, which consists of guitarist Peter Buck, vocalist Michael Stipe and newly appointed World Ambassador for Peace bassist Mike Mills, has been a highly acclaimed rock band for over 20 years, but hasn’t achieved this sort of recognition since their song Revolution appeared on the Batman and Robin soundtrack in 1995.
   This fast-paced rock and roll track was used as a weapon against terrorists on several occasions, causing one would-be sniper to cry, “My revolution was a silly idea, yeah” as he was dragged away by SWAT team members.
   People around the world have come to love the splendour that is the awe-inspiring Yellow River, which originally appeared on the single for All The Way To Reno (You’re Gonna Be a Star), and sales of all of REM’s albums have skyrocketed, although the Yellow River single has now outsold all of the others combined.

  The public

   A few die-hard REM fans were left baffled by the success of Yellow River.
   “It’s great that they’re so popular and everything, but ‘Yellow River’ sucks,” said one fan, who was immediately detained and sent for re-education.
   An article a year or so ago quoted another fan as saying Yellow River was a song about urine. “Whenever I hear it, I have nightmarish visions of Mike Mills calling out the chorus, coupled with images of elderly, incontinent people wetting themselves in retirement homes. It’s sick.”
   That fan is now missing and presumed dead. No one misses him, however, and there have been no inquiries.
   As for the rest of the world, not a single person has spoken out against the song. In a worldwide poll last week, 99.99999999999% of those questioned claimed Yellow River to be their favorite song. Only one person, a 97 year-old Sicilian woman in Palermo, favoured A New Day Has Come, the new Yellow River-inspired single from Celene Dion, but local officials claimed her advanced age and senility were the cause of this outrageous and unacceptable response. No matter, since reports say she died last night in her sleep.

  The original  

   The original Yellow River was first written and performed by some guy called Jeff Christie.
   “My husband put his heart and soul into that work,” said Kim Christie, “but as much as he did that, no one sounds like they truly want to go to Yellow River more than Mike Mills.”
   Maybe so, but the passion Mike Mills gives us in Yellow River is a passion the world now shares together, as it has made all of our lives joyous and fulfilling and begun a golden age unlike any that has come before it.

 

* >>A football team really did use Yellow River as its anthem .. see here.<<